oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
