I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
