No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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