i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have feelings that need drinking.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
