So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize