it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
