I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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