I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
