I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
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He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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