Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
