he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
