Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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