i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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