Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
