I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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