I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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