i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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