Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
