Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
