i think i have two assholes
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Randomize
