Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
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Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
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He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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