a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
