I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
