The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
