If i come over, it means nothing
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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