I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
