I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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