I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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