based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
