Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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