I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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