She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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