I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
