i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
