i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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