I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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