My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
