The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
