she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
