there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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