Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Porn is love you can see.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
