I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
