Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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