I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
