I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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