Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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