What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
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There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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