Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
