I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
