Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
