A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
