at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
