Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
