Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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