Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
