So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
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Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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