A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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