Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
